it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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