The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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