also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
