Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
