I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
