Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
