I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
