Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
