Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
