I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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