Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
