He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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