I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
