He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i think im in europe. pls send help
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