I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
