I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
