Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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