you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
