Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
