I'm going to jail i love you
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
