On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
