I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
