cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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