We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
