he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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