like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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