I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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