I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
