He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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