She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
