sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
