Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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