I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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