don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
