one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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