Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
