Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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