If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Pants are for mortals
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
