It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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