you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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