It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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