When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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