i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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