Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
