My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
