i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
