I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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