It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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