Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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