I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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