I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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