I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
