Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
