I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
